Nirvana

I was going through my old posts and this one (Life’s like that) never fails to get me - George Constanza is awesome!

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AN IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Company Policy: Effective from 1st Jan 2007

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where Employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch Hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three Minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall Door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat More, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for Lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby People get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink A Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards,

The Management

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The Mission - Recall my most dumb and embarrassing incident over the past seven years of living in the USA.

After racking my brains for some part of the day, I realized that there were quite a few that qualified as my dumb moment and it would be a close call. I had to pick one of them and the one below takes the cake. well, atleast to the best of my memory.

I was new to Allentown having relocated from Charlotte on graduation to work in the industry. Most of my friends would vouch for my limited repertoire in the kitchen - although it's really hard for me to admit it, here it comes. I am a lousy cook, more so because I abhor the whole charade and go about it in a perfunctory manner.

Getting back to the issue, Subway used to be one of my favorite joints back then - it being closer to my apartment and offering healthy, tasty and spicy veggie patties that I devoured gratefully. On every occasion, the girl behind the counter would ask me if I needed any 'stamps' while ringing the cash register. I would always offer a polite 'no, thanks' in response.

One weekend I was due to mail some bills but I found that I had run out of stamps. You can guess what's coming, can't you? Yes, the 'dumb' me walks into a subway and orders a veggie patty. Ironically, the girl did not ask me if I needed 'stamps' on that day.

I politely ask her for a book of stamps and she hands me a book of coupons for subway sandwiches. Confused, I tell her that I need postage stamps. There's silence in the room, there are folks behind the counter and behind me puzzled, totally amused and stifling any laughs provoked by the whole incident. The girl just nods her head saying no.

The whole truth dawned on me in a few seconds (that seemed like an eternity) and I walked out of the joint muttering a quick thanks - face red with embarassment and cursing myself for being such a fool.

In hindsight, this does take the winning honors. Now that I have shared this with you, it's only fair that i hear yours. Cmmon, make me feel better, will ya?

Mission Acomplished.

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Is this the coolest Tees or what?

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Here is a brilliant rendition of "Mile Sur Mera Tumhara" by MIT students in and around the campus. Kudos to those who conceived the whole act, I was floored by it.Folks, especially Indians, dont miss it - even if it takes a long time to download it!

Not to toot my own horn (toot, toot!), today marks completion of one month since I started posting on this blog! Thanks to five or six visitors who have since stumbled on this blog - really, I mean it, it flatters me that people find it interesting to read my narciposts.

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Hmm, I had this compilation of quotes in my mailbox today, it was forwarded by one of my friends. Sit back, relax, read and laugh your butts off!

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
–Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
–Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
–Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it,"
–A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." –Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." –Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca

"The word genius isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." –Bill Clinton, President

"We are already for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." –Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." –Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

This forward actually triggered an argument between couple of friends - one of them took the line that Joe Theisman's statement was an example of tautology and Al Gore's comment on unforeseen event was superfluous but not gramatically incorrect. The other objected to it and was of the opinion that the statements were incorrect.

I know nothing of Norman Einstein, so I googled for this famous quote and found that Norman Einstein was Theisman's ex- school mate. Not willing to let go of a chance to voice my own opinion, I had to take sides with the former - that the two statements although superfluous are gramatically correct. What say you?

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Hmm, the weekend is almost over, got to get back to work tomorrow. I guess I will remember this weekend for the marathon chat sessions with R - I enjoyed spending some quality time with her immensely. We are counting the seconds to the D-day now, it's not that far really. Another 22 days :)I played miniature golf with M yesterday evening, it was my first time. I sucked big time at putting and half my drives were no good. I got three birdies and quite a few bogeys and penalty shots. I often think that golf is the most boring game to be ever played, most of my colleagues at work would dispute that.

We then went to the driving range with real golf clubs. Oh boy, was it tough! I had a hard time making contact with the ball let alone drive it over a long distance. I was swinging my club like Sehwag does in One-day cricket, quite a few of the guys around me were nonplussed with my antics. Btw, I love reading PGW's stories revolving around golf - they are a riot!

While on the subject of sports, Indians are supposed to be crazy about two things - cricket and movies. I used to play cricket when I was young, I believe I wasn't a bad batsmen either. I used to follow the game with friends cheering the team but no more. I think it ranks as one of the dullest sports to watch along with golf.

Having lived here in the USA, I feel more alive while watching NFL or NBA. The games are shorter, exciting and more intense and competitive than cricket. Here are other reasons I would put NFL above cricket -

* Which would you prefer - lithe and beautiful cheerleaders or bald, aging umpires while watching sports?

* You can abuse the opposite team player in NFL, cricket is considered a gentleman's game ( the supercilious Englishmen invented it after all!)

* You can charge at your opponent with intent of hurting him in NFL. You cant do that in cricket.

* You can have "wardrobe malfunctions" during NFL halftime. In cricket, you watch a barren ground during lunch hours.

* You can watch the players perform antics like "mooning" in NFL. In cricket all you see are a pair of white trousers and a white shirt.

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• Yippeee!!The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!

  Level Who are sent there? Score
  Purgatory Repenting Believers Low
  Level 1 - Limbo Virtuous Non-Believers Moderate
  Level 2 Lustful Very High
  Level 3 Gluttonous Low
  Level 4 Prodigal and Avaricious Moderate
  Level 5 Wrathful and Gloomy Low
  Level 6 - The City of Dis Heretics Low
  Level 7 Violent Low
  Level 8 - the Malebolge Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers High
  Level 9 - Cocytus Treacherous Very Low

  Level Descriptions
  Take the Test

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Characters :

• Arjuna, the Great Pandava and a great programmer
• Krishna, the computer and an avatar of Narayana

Scene:

Arjuna is disillusioned on receipt of a junk mail and Krishna is trying to clear that disillusionment.

ACT ONE :

Krishna : Try to respect the e-mails of your elders..

Arjuna : But Vasudev, How dare I send junk mails to my honorable elders and brothers who are logged on a honorable domain?

Krishna : Paartha, at this moment they are neither your friends nor yourfoes. They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Log on and send dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjuna : Hey Murari ! After seeing all this I feel like resigning from the Software Industry.

Krishna : Bandhu, it seems like you are caught in a vicious circle of Maaya. In this material world you have none and you are committed to none. Junkmails have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep firing junk mails.

Arjuna : But Devaki Nandan………..!Krishna : Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering about results. Don’t waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by your Guru Dronacharya.

Arjuna : Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the system ?

Krishna : Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware. However, it is another aspect that it overloads the system….fills up the hard disk. But you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another, likewise these junk mails move from system to system.

Arjuna : How can one define junk mail ?

Krishna : Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it.. neither can it be conquered nor can it be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be looked down upon even by Mahadev.. Junk mails are immortal.

Arjuna : Hey Narayan ! Now all my fundaas on junk mail are crystal clear. You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, else I would have lost myself in Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.

Arjuna hits the forward button.

End of ACT ONE.

Source - Unknown

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1) What is the similarity between krishna jayanthi and communism? Kaal marks.

2) How do flies communicate? eee-mail

3) What is the similarity between short circuit and poramai? Wire-eriyarthu

4) What is the similarity between boxing and goddess kali? Naak-out

5) Deepavalikkum pongalukkum yennanga vithyaasam? Deepavali annikku pongal
saapadalaam aana Pongal annikku Deppavali sapda mudiyaadhu.

6) LIC oda 14th floorla sandhanam poosi yirukkanga.Yaen? Yaenna adhu Mottai maadi.

7) Oru annanum thangachchiyum oadi varranga.Annan elmoochuvangaraan.Thangachchi?
Ava Female moochchu vaanguvaaa
Eli(adhaanga Rat) adhukku yaen vaal yirukku? Seththa pudichchu thookki poada.

9) What is the opposite of Arvindswamy Arvind-DID-NOT-SEE-ME

10) LEO coffee a yaen kalyanam pannikka mudiyaadhu? Yaenna “Manamaana” coffee LEO
coffee

11) Mylapore-kkum, Mandaveli-kkum sandai vandha edhu win-pannum? Mylapore, yenna
avangakitta tank irukku.

12) Russia-la yen kosu-ve illai? Yen-na, anga Kosukku vera peyar.

13) Yen, cinema theatre-la A-row la irukkara-vangalukku cinema ozhungave theriyalai?
Enna, A-row-kku munnala B-row (Bureau) irukku.

14) Yen, desert-la irukkara post-office-la ellarum letter ezhudhittu, stamp vangittu, veliya
pora? Enna, veliya dhan otta-gum irukku.

15) Ramar (the mythological character) sithai-ya thedindu lankai kelambumbodhu kadal-ai
thaandarathukku varar. Appo enna achariyam! Kadal avarukku appadiye vazhi vittuduthu.
Yaen? Enna, Where there is a will, there! is a way.

16) Raja Harischandra use panna paste enna? Promise.

17) Traffic Inspectors enna paste use pannuva? Signal.

18) Harischandra-kku pudicha biscuit enna? True.

19) Bus-ai pinnala thallina enna aagum? Pin valayium.

20) Oru yanai (elephant) vegama ration kadai pakkam odarathu. Athu anga enna vangum?
Muchu Vangum.

21) Oru English therinja maadu(cow) theatre pakkam porathu. Anga theatre Kadhavai
kadikka arambichuduthu! Yen? Enna, Kadhavula “Pull”-nnu ezhudhirukku.

22) Japanese, Leaning Tower of Pisa kattina adhukku enna per veppa? Nikumo-Nikado

23) Mahathma Gandhijikkum, Kunnakudi Vaidyanathanukkum yenna vidyasam?
Avar Non-violinist. Vaidyanathan Violinist.

24) Spin Bowlarruku pen kuzhandai perandal enna payru vaipar? Bala Tiruppura Sundari

25) Independence day-kkum Republic day-kkum yenna vidyasam? Sumar, anjara maasam.

26) Oru maami idli-a thalaila vechinda. Yaen? En-na idli poo pola irundhudhu.

27) Kadri Gopalnath - Kunnakudi jugalbandi censor board banpannina.Yaen?
Romba Sax and violins

28) Neil Armstrong yaen romba great ?
Ellarum 1-ikku, 2-ikku pova. Avar “moon” ukke poitaar.

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