Nirvana

The Mission - Recall my most dumb and embarrassing incident over the past seven years of living in the USA.

After racking my brains for some part of the day, I realized that there were quite a few that qualified as my dumb moment and it would be a close call. I had to pick one of them and the one below takes the cake. well, atleast to the best of my memory.

I was new to Allentown having relocated from Charlotte on graduation to work in the industry. Most of my friends would vouch for my limited repertoire in the kitchen - although it's really hard for me to admit it, here it comes. I am a lousy cook, more so because I abhor the whole charade and go about it in a perfunctory manner.

Getting back to the issue, Subway used to be one of my favorite joints back then - it being closer to my apartment and offering healthy, tasty and spicy veggie patties that I devoured gratefully. On every occasion, the girl behind the counter would ask me if I needed any 'stamps' while ringing the cash register. I would always offer a polite 'no, thanks' in response.

One weekend I was due to mail some bills but I found that I had run out of stamps. You can guess what's coming, can't you? Yes, the 'dumb' me walks into a subway and orders a veggie patty. Ironically, the girl did not ask me if I needed 'stamps' on that day.

I politely ask her for a book of stamps and she hands me a book of coupons for subway sandwiches. Confused, I tell her that I need postage stamps. There's silence in the room, there are folks behind the counter and behind me puzzled, totally amused and stifling any laughs provoked by the whole incident. The girl just nods her head saying no.

The whole truth dawned on me in a few seconds (that seemed like an eternity) and I walked out of the joint muttering a quick thanks - face red with embarassment and cursing myself for being such a fool.

In hindsight, this does take the winning honors. Now that I have shared this with you, it's only fair that i hear yours. Cmmon, make me feel better, will ya?

Mission Acomplished.

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A couple of summers ago, I had been to a new hair stylist for my haircut. I was seated on the chair and she asked me how short did I want the hair to be. I responded with a ‘remove one inch from the sides and maybe less from the top’. Maybe she missed everything except the one inch part - before I could blink, off went the clipper until I had only one inch of hair left on my head.

My colleagues at work were quite amused by the whole buzz cut and I had to elaborate on the incident. One witty Jewish colleague remarked “Thank God, he did not go to a moyel (a circumcision performer) !!”

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Funny, I have never wielded a pair of scissors in one hand and a comb in the other and gone snippety-snip on anyone’s coiffure. The idea sounds appealing though, a person plonking down on a chair and watching helplessly as you play with his/her hair according to your whims. Makes you feel close to being God - maybe the poor guy/gal is headed towards a first date, his/her hairstyle can determine the outcome, I assure you.Anyway, the highlight of the post is that a longstanding nickname of mine happens to be ‘Hajaam’, translates to Barber from kannada. i fared a lot better than the unfortunate ones stuck with nicknames like stinker, mosquito, eggface, pimply, sun-tanned siberian buffalo i guess.. i have had several nicknames from my schooldays - my pet peeve being ‘dhogle nigs’ - a reference to the baggy khaki trousers i used to wear to school (mom was of the opinion that long trousers could last three to four years if they were baggy and oversized, my opinions, of course, didnt matter). i was a social misfit in those trousers, with my hair well oiled, neatly parted in the middle and plenty of powder on my face to deceive others that I was fair (another one of my mom’s opinions).

But hajaam takes the coveted first place among the rest. There have been quite a few cases where the conversation tends to steer something like this..

Person 1 : Today Nigam and I went uninvited to a wedding for lunch (purely illusionary of course)
Person 2 : Nigam?
Person 1 : Yes, Nigam
Person 2 : Nigam who?
Person 1 : Not Nigam who. Nigam and I.
Person 2 : No, No, Who’s Nigam?
Person 1 : Nigam - the guy with bunny teeth, lanky legs and a pimple on his nose.
Person 2 : Oh, I dont know him
Person 1 : How can you not know Hajaam?
Person 2 : Oh Hajaam, I do know him. I thought you said Nigam?
Person 1 : Yes Bozo, Nigam
Person 2 : Wait a minute, I thought u said Hajaam?
Person 1 : Nigam is Hajaam u nitwit. Nigam is his real name.
Person 2 : Oh! I was not aware of it. I thought his real name was hajaam.

You catch the drift, but why hajaam u ask me? I used to ride a red BSA SLR (u remember those?) to school, it used to take me a good 15 - 20 min. I had to cross main roads and all the traffic on my way. Once, during my commute in ninth grade, I inadvertently happened to cross a lorry’s path with my bicycle. To this day, I have not been able to figure out why the enraged lorry driver would refer to me as Hajaam - it was a case of mistaken identity maybe, or maybe he was being plain derogatory. One of my mates was a mute spectator to the proceedings and the name has stuck ever since.

which reminds me, I may have to sneak it a personal note introducing myself as hajaam when i start posting the wedding invitations.

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